KajunNews

Kajun Has Nightmare!

2007-02-02T14:22:00.000-06:00

FEB 2, 2007

The Kajun awoke from a horrible nightmare this morning---He dreamed he saw Ted Kennedy's shadow---and immediately went back to sleep for 6 more hours.

Got Red Paint?

2007-01-20T14:55:00.000-06:00

Kajun finally dreams!

2007-01-19T14:00:00.000-06:00

January 19,2007---After one week of sleeping most of the time in an effort to have a dream; Kajun finally had a dream.

He dreamed that back in 1865, Robert E. Lee woke up to the fact that Forrest and Beauregard were over on the other side of The River with nothing to do.

Lee ordered them to form a convoy and travel East on I-20 to Vicksburg---which they did. Upon their arrival in Vicksburg, they immediately started herding all the Union Troops toward Massachusetts.

When all the Union Troops were corraled in Massachusetts (except for a few odd ones who escaped to San Francisco, the gate was locked and the Union boys went to work revising history books.

It was stressed early on that someone named Bush (as in Burning Bush would eventually need to be blamed for GLOBAL WARMING rather than the notorius Democrat Arsonist William (Kyoto) Sherman; who actually started GLOBAL WARMING when he torched Atlanta, and stole that cow which he delivered to his Mother-in-law (Mrs. O'Leary) in Chicago.

Robert E. Kee---Born January 19, 1807.

The History Revisionists have done a fine job of covering up this fact.

Deuces Wild!

2007-01-14T12:00:00.000-06:00

Saturday: Jan. 13,2007---New Orleans, LA

City-wide Block Party in New Orleans! Eagles flying back to Philly with tails between their legs. href"http://www.nola.com/sports/t-p/index.ssf?/base/sports-28/116876305970470.xml&coll=1" When link doesn't work, paste this in your browser---http://www.nola.com/sports/t-p/index.ssf?/base/sports-28/116876305970470.xml&coll=1

Greetings!

2006-12-24T17:27:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas!

Dinner with Governess Blanco

2006-12-13T18:02:00.000-06:00

Monroe, Louisiana

Someone in Monroe, Louisiana in a fund raising effort, decided to auction off a Dinner With Blanco, at The Governors Mansion in Baton Rouge.

The embarrasing result was that there was only one bid; [for $1.00]tendered by a local banker.

ELEVENTEEN!

2006-12-12T19:47:00.000-06:00

My two, twin Grandchildren Matt and Rami [who live down the road about a mile from here] turned ELEVENTEEN today, December 12.

A Day That Will Live In Infamy!

2006-12-07T20:17:00.000-06:00

Onr month ago, November 7, 2006 is a day that will live in infamy!

Without provacation, Democrats all across this country voted early and often, rather than just early. As a result, they now have a floozie elected as Squeeker of The House.

Sign found at My Grandsons Hunting Camp

2006-11-15T16:28:00.000-06:00

Does this dress make me look fat, or What?

2006-09-18T17:46:00.000-05:00

A Caged Kajun

2006-09-01T19:34:00.000-05:00

Here I set ten months after having my stroke...in a half built house with no exit ramp and a large hurricane hole in the roof...and nothing I can do about any of it!

To say I am depressed; does not begin to convey my feelings (How d'you like that lib word?)

I have always been a restless person who must be doing something during my waking moments. I have read over 60 books in the last 10 months (most, I had read before).

Many of my 7 children won't come to see me...three called to wish me Happy Fathers day. I went to Oklahoma last week and got to spend a few minutes with two of my daughters and their offspring.

I bought a new van two weeks ago...I have not even been allowed to sit in the drivers seat of it or the old Malibu since my stroke. I am only allowed outside the house to get in the passenger seat of a car...no other time. Sold my Weapon Of Grass Destruction.

My doctor refuses to sign a prescription for me to get a power wheelchair. He says: "with a little therapy, I would be able to walk just fine". He seems to forget that I have been unable to walk without a walking stick in my left hand since 1999. Now, I can't use the left hand to hold the stick.

Another of his patients has been in therapy for three years; she can now walk 3 or 4 steps. I can walk about 30 feet, but I can't pick up or carry anything.

Rant off!

Scrapplefest; This Weekend At Kajun Plantation

2006-06-07T19:46:00.000-05:00

This weekend; June 9, 10, and 11th, The much antipicated First Annual Scrapplefest will be held at The Kajun Plantation---Our local Sherrif has already moved his barbeque paraphernalia into place to cook for the gala event [He doesn't know, or care, where his votes come from...He's one of them Democrats].

The menu consists of

Barbequed Alligator [tastes like chicken].

Fried Froglegs [tastes like chicken].

Losers at the Cock Fights across the road Saturday [tastes like chicken].

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did Draft Dodgers go to Canada?
They were both chicken!

Beerme has already started a barge load of his latest batch down the river. We have spies at Vicksburg who will let us know when it passes, so we can send the 18-wheelers to the Vidalia Dock to haul the beer to the scene of the impending consumption.

We feel sure the barge load of beer will arrive safely, as Bytor the White Wonder Wolf is guarding the precious cargo every inch of the way. Pete Pilsner and his Pilfering Pirates haven't got a chance with Bytor on duty!

Miss Maggie and Miss 'da Bunny are at their station in Kentucky to keep the riff-raff from crossing the border.

Vehicles containing any kind of a Kennedy or Clinton will not be allowed to cross the border. They will be turned back!

A few other items will not be tolerated, such as:

Unsweetened tea
Pepsi Cola
New England Patriots Paraphernalia, or
Carpet Bags of any kind

We're sure you understand.

The Gates open at noon on Friday. Don't say you weren't invited. Obtain driving directions from MAPQUEST, if needed.

Approximately one hour after the gates opened at noon on Friday, a hawk was observed alighting in the top of a tall pine tree (where it could keep an eye on the chicks across the road. It arrived about one hour late; due no doubt to the fact that the clock in Downtown, New Jersey is usually approximately one hour fast [probably because of its close proximity to those Noo Yawk Minutes].

More News

Governess Blank-o took a break from her crying yesterday to leak to the LSM that Air Force One had filed a flight plan to Concordia Parish Airport [one mile away]for today; as a result of that the Witch-In-A-Ditch is camped, along with her fake--but accurate cemetery, about a half mile down the road.

Latest arrival to Scrapplefest:

At noon today, a small plane was seen taking off and circling overhead. It climbed so high, it had to stop twice to buy gas...when it had reached 10,000 feet in altitude and stopped, a small speck could be seen being shoved out the door; a while later a parachute opened and drifted down toward the Kajun Plantation...a slight breeze from the Carribean caused the parachute to drift slightly, and the skydiver ended up straddling the fence. When the parachute was released, there was Boberin sitting on the fence [Don't let your foot touch the ground Bob--that's an electric fence!]

Obviously some of the reporters from the ditch sneaked through the woods into the Scrapplefest and helped finish off the beer [in the 97 degree heat, and just about dark the kegs were empty and festivities slowed down. Suddenly many numerous sirens could be heard nearing the plantation...down the road, in a third gear broadslide came a Corvette. When it got even with the Kajun lane, it grabbed second and shot down the lane and drove around back and hid in the Kajun National Forest. Seventy seven Ford State Police and Deputy Sherrifs' cars flew right on by---their hubcaps out-running them---down the dead-end road, scattering parts from ditch to ditch [totaled out Cindy's fake---but accurate cemetery again]. Out of the Vette, stepped Possumtrot with a case of fruit jars containing a clear liquid...this livened the party right back up, again.

Sunday morning:

When the dust cleared this morning, there was nothing left at the end of the road but a large pile of tin and plastic with an occasional blue wink coming from the pile.

CSA invented Memorial Day

2006-06-02T20:05:00.000-05:00

June 3 is Confederate Memorial Day in Louisiana, Kentucky, and Tennassee.

If there are any Confederate graves in your area, this is the proper flag to place there.

Se No habla Espaniol

2006-05-03T12:23:00.000-05:00

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully
> slipped into the U.S. The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The
> second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover.
> You're in America now. Speak Spanish."

Have One of My Cards!

2006-04-13T15:46:00.000-05:00

Above is a (poor) scan of one of my cards 0169Dale C. Whiteman 2006. That 0169 was supposed to result in a Copyright symbol.

Free...take one.

kajun

UCLA = University of Chocolate Louisiana

2006-04-03T12:24:00.000-05:00

Maybe LSU didn't win, but at least a Louisiana team won!

Texas to have Chocolate Governor?

2006-04-01T10:08:00.000-06:00

Dallas Texas

According to reliable sources, one of Dallas' newest residents has thrown his do-rag in the ring, to run for the office of Governor of Texas as a Democrat, this year.

Former New Orleans Mayor C.(chocolate)Ray Nagin has already accumulated 12 ballot boxes stuffed with Democrat votes, and is confident he will win the Governorship of Texas, this year, said our highly-placed Kajun News Snitch.

My first act, after I am elected, will be to revert The State of Texas back to a Republic, said Nagin. It will be a Chocolate Republic only until we can get rid of all the Illegal Aliens from New Orleans, he further stated.

Thanks To Maggie's Cheerleading, LSU wins!

2006-03-26T12:45:00.000-06:00

After an embarrassing overtime loss to LSU in the Georgia Dome Saturday night, the Texans were last seen swimming the Sabine River back to their farms in Texas, while dragging their plows, with gators nipping at their heels.

During the game, there were thousands of people standing in the Dome with nowhere to sit; a security person noticed one empty seat way up high on the LSU side and rushed up there to find a lady sitting beside the vacant seat with her purse, cell phone, and her 10X binoculars lying on the empty seat. He axed the lady "Why is this seat empty?" The lady say: "It was for my husband---but he died" The security person say: "See all these people standing round with no place to set; Couldn't you let some of his friend have the seat; ?" She say: "They all at th wake!"

Maggie's cheerleading for LSU was definitely the deciding factor in the Tigers' win since the Tigers' secret weapon, Kajun---The Basketball Star---could not play in this game, due to the fact that he could only run with one leg and dribble, pass, foul,and shoot with one hand.

Kajun's Grandad Cleaning Up Kajun's yard After Hurricane Rita

2006-03-25T17:39:00.000-06:00

December 31, 2005/New Years Eve of 2006.

Abe's Opponent

2006-03-25T16:02:00.000-06:00

Kajun In gray Uniform.
Geaux CSA!

Kajun--The famous Basketball-player---Geaux LSU Tigers

2006-03-25T14:01:00.000-06:00

Photo of Kajun at the old log cabin where he was born (many years ago).

The Pointer

2006-03-07T18:04:00.000-06:00

Harry Whittington released From Hospital

2006-02-20T16:46:00.000-06:00

February 19,2006 KN

Trial Lawyer Harry Whittington, ESQ. was released from protective custoday in the hospital yesterday according to Kajun News Sources near the scene.

When asked if he thought it was safe to venture out, Mr. Whittington said: Heck, I'm in Kenedy County, Texas; I'm as safe as I would be riding with Teddy himself!"

When queeried about it, by reporters; Mr. Whittington said his doctor had given him a prescription for Roundup , which he will have to use as aftershave lotion for the rest of his life, to keep birds (or whatever grows from Birdseed)from sprouting from his face.

Texas Legislature Meets In Special Session

2006-02-13T14:02:00.000-06:00

Austin Texas Feb 13, 2006 KN

Governor Perry called The Texas State Legislature into a special session, this morning to deal with the alarming rate of old lawyers being accidentally shot while hunting Quayle in the deep woods of S. W. Texas.

A bill was introduced by The Democrat, that would prohibit the purchase or possession of a hunting license by any lawyer over the age of 77. We feel that this will solve the problem of having 78 year old lawyers such as atty. F. Lee (Bob) White accidentally shot
while hunting Quail.

Vice President Richard Cheney, when reached for comment, said: "Old HRC, my bird dog is never wrong...When she points, you might as well pull the trigger...you got yourself a Quail"

5.2 Earthquake Strikes Near Kajun Newsroom

2006-02-10T16:49:00.000-06:00

A major earthquake struck this afternoon just 150 miles south of the Kajun Newsroom.

The quake registered 5.2 on the Ricther scale...Mrs. Richter registers a whopping 335 on that same scale.

There were no injuries reported, because--as usual-- no one was working on Friday afternoon at Kajun News. We had no idea it was an earthquake...we thought my Grandson, Seth had just dropped one of his size 13 shoes.

Dishes rattled in the kitchen as Mrs. Kajun prepared supper.

Blizzard Watch For Downtown New Jersey

2006-02-10T13:40:00.000-06:00

Downtown, New Jersey--February 10,2006--KN

A Blizzard watch remains in effect from Saturday afternoon
through Sunday morning...

A blizzard watch remains in effect from Saturday afternoon
through Sunday morning.

Snow will begin late Saturday afternoon... and become heavy at
times Saturday night. Northeast winds will also increase Saturday
night to 25 to 35 mph with gusts up to 50 mph... causing blizzard
conditions along with considerable blowing and drifting of snow.

By the time the snow ends late Sunday morning... accumulations
should average 8 to 12 inches... with locally higher amounts
possible. The highest totals are most likely to occur in and near
Downtown New Jersey... and across most of Scrappleville
Pennsylvania.

A blizzard watch means there is a potential for falling and or
blowing snow with strong winds and extremely poor visibilities.
This can lead to whiteout conditions and make travel very
dangerous. Only vehicles with studded tires will be allowed on
streets, highways, and sidewalks...all others will be towed at
the owners expense...plus the usual kickbacks to the officers
calling the tow trucks.

This blizzard is the direct result of the Bush Administration's
failure to sign the Toyota Treaty...which has resulted in 'Global Warming'.

Lost Churches In Nawlins

2006-02-09T10:26:00.000-06:00

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana actually aired an
interview with a woman of color from New Orleans.

The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate, so she asked the interviewee how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.

The woman replied," I don't know about all those other peoples but we gets our chicken from Popeye's".

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

Don't know about others, but tomg and SGT USMC 1ea ought to get this one. [Editor]

Ford Lays Off 75% of Employees

2006-01-30T15:34:00.000-06:00

Grand Rapids MI---1-31-2006

Former President Ford announced today that 3 of the 4 librarians at his Presidential Library would be given pink slips at the end of the day.

Herm walker said he hates pink slips, they show through his white skirts.

The downsizing of the workforce is necessary in order to stay below the Presidential salary cap after it was announced that The Former President stumbled onto the idea of hiring former NFL Great Ken Stabler as his personal walking companion.

Kajuns Ramp

2006-01-04T16:04:00.000-06:00

How you like that ramp?

Reverse Robin Hood Switcheroo

2005-12-25T08:51:00.000-06:00

Fargo, ND: kn---12,25,05

In a bizarre switcheroo on the Robin Hood Story last night, Christmas Present entitlements were re-distributed from poor Southern Democrats to Rich Northern Republicans.

A mid air collision between a Boeing 747 (recectly re-rigged at The Boeing rigging facility in Philadelphia, PA) and a UFO (Unidentified Flying Object)occured over Fargo, North Dakota, due to the total failure of The Bush Administration's Homeland Security Early Warning System.

This terrible accident was witnessed by a few persons who happened to be upnorthlurkin for UFO's.

Lib B Gone, Spokesperson at the scene, told Kajun News that so far, every color of box, except black, has been recovered, with many found on rooftops, stuck in chimneys, etc.

Walmart to be more "Looter-Friendly"

2005-12-08T16:17:00.000-06:00

New Oleans---KN

After weeks of negotiation, The New orleans Police Union and Walmart announced an agreement on future Walmart Store construction in the City, today.

All new Walmart Stores in New Orleans will be equipped with a boat pier at the rear of the store, Krispy-Kreme doughnut machines in the entrance foyer, shatterproof glass in doors and windows, 50% larger shopping carts, and for added convience all Plasma TV's will be equipped with wheels and tow handles similar to airport luggage.

We feel this will make for a much more Looter-Frendly enviornment for our membership, said a spokesperson for the NOPD Union.

Update on Sen Byrd

2005-12-06T13:55:00.000-06:00

Senator Byrd reports to Kajun News that he believes he caught the Avaition Flu from Dan Quayle who has just recently returned from a Thanksgiving trip to Turkey.

Weapon of Ramp Construction

2005-11-22T14:08:00.000-06:00

Looking to purchase a good WRC [Weapon of Ramp construction]

kajun is being held in the house against his will. Need ramp for escape by wheelchair. Will furnish criticism through window.

Sen. Robert F. Byrd Collapses on Senate Floor

2005-11-11T16:26:00.000-06:00

Washington, DC---Sen. Robert F. Byrd, D-WVA, falls off roost; collapses on the Senate floor yesterday, during a pork-procuring project. Sen.
Kennedy brought him to. He passed out again and Teddy brought him two more. He is resting
comfortably in Walter Reed Medical Center after being diagnosed with Avain-flu.
As a precautionary measure, the hospital has removed all the sheets from Sen. Byrd’s room and burned them.

Half of US Marines to Leave Okinawa

2005-10-29T18:35:00.000-05:00

The Pentagon has yielded to demands from the residence on the Japanese island of Okinawa and committed to cut the number of U.S. Marines in the country by nearly half.

The Pentagon announced Saturday, that the United States and Japan had agreed to shift 7,229 Marines from Okinawa to Midway, during the next six months. There are 14,460 U.S. Marines in Japan, and almost all of them are stationed on Okinawa.

According to Rep Tom Delay, there are now 7,231 US Marines currently stationed on Midway---who will replace the Marines leaving Okinawa---during the next three months.

"About 47,000 troops from all U.S. military branches are in Japan, and most of those also are on Okinawa, however a little over half are not" said an attorney for Rep Delay--VRWML from TX.

Bush chooses Reid!

2005-10-27T13:30:00.000-05:00

Washington DNC---

In a brilliant, surprise move today, President Bush moved quickly to make yet another tentative appointment to The U S Supreme Court, this time appointing Senator Harry Reid to the position of Associate Supreme Court Justice.

"Senator Reid is a well-known Pro-life advocate who is a member of the virtually untapped Morman Minority in this Great Nation. He is respected by both the DNC and The Press, and as a result of all this admiration, we fully expect an early confirmation of Mr Reid by the Senate", Said The President.

This stone will kill several birds:

1. It will cut down on the excessive number of Democrat Senators.

2. It will put another Pro-Lifer on the Supreme Court, for life.

3. It will force a yea vote for comfirmation, from all Democrat Senators.

4. It will put an end to the "Reid List" of SCOTUS nominees.

5. It will add yet another member of yet another minority to the SCOTUS.

Teenage Female Designated "Sexually Dangerous"

2005-10-27T03:23:00.000-05:00

"Sexually dangerous", that’s what a Woodford County teenager is being labeled by the State of Illinois. She's also the first female in the state with that designation. 17-year old Tammy Wheeler of Eureka has been designated "sexually dangerous" after being charged with fondling two young men earlier this year.

According to Woodford County Court documents Wheeler admitted to fondling other men before that incident. The documents say she suffers from postdraumatic stress disorder from physical and sexual abuse in her childhood, and has uncontrollable sexual urges.

State's Attorney Mike Lovitt says during interviews Wheeler said she would continue to molest men.

"The fact is that she indicated to the doctor, and I believe the police as well, that she would continue to commit this offense if she was given the opportunity to do that. She indicated that she had an uncontrollable urge, and that was something that caused us great concern", said Woodford County State’s Attorney Mike Lovitt.

Lovitt also says the "sexually dangerous" designation assures that Wheeler will get the counseling she needs, and will not be released from the Department of Corrections for many years.

Wheeler is being held at an undisclosed location. It is not yet known which state facility she will be sent to for long-term treatment. The name of the winning facility is expected to be announced Monday. No new employment applications will be accepted before Tuesday.

Iran president: Wipe Israel off map

2005-10-27T02:31:00.000-05:00

Iran's ultra-conservative new president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has broken his silence on Israel and declared the Jewish state was a "disgraceful blot" that should be "wiped off the map".

The new map unveiled this morning by Iranian Cartographers, had the word Israel whited-out, and in its place the name Islamastein had been penciled in.

"The new name reflects the fact that the New Nation will continue to be populated by both Arabs and Jews", said a spokesman.

Harking back to language used by the founder of Iran, Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, who repeatedly called for the destruction of Israel, the hard-line president also called Israel a "fabricated" entity. It first appeared on a document that had been faxed from a Kinko's in Palm Beach, Florida in 1947.

Ahmadinejad also took a slap at some of Iran's Arab neighbours in the Persian Gulf:
"Anybody who still remembers Israel will burn in the fire of the Islamic nation's fury; any (Islamic leader) who remembers the Zionist regime is acknowledging the surrender and defeat of the Islamic world," Algiers TV quoted Ahmadinejad as saying.

Cindy Sheehan Tied To Defense

2005-10-25T04:01:00.000-05:00

Oct 23, 2005

"I'm going to go to Washington, D.C. and I'm going to give a speech at the White House, and after I do, I'm going to tie myself to the fence and refuse to leave until they agree to bring our troops home," said Cindy Sheehan in an interview, last week.

Kajun News has learned that a much younger Cindy Sheehan once dated a young man named *Percy Libscumb, who was subsequently employed by The Rayethon Company, a leading Defense Contractor in the US.

Obviously Sheehan lied when she said: "I have never been---nor will I ever be---tied to Defense!"

When asked about the conflicting statements, Sheehan snarled: How do you expect me to remember something that happened 31 years, 3 Months and 14 Days ago? Do you remember where you were on December 25 1968?"

Sheehan lied---The Press just sighed!

* [name has been changed to protect the innocent]

FEMA: This Time We're Prepared!

2005-10-20T00:07:00.000-05:00

Naples Florida---Thursday morning

With hurricane Wilma scheduled to perform at the Civic Center in downtown Naples this weekend, The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) has already arrived to take charge of the mass evacuation of millions that has become the regular routine with each new arrival of a hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico.

A total of 2,781 school buses have been commandeered for use in the evacuation of all citizens on the Gulf Coast of Florida.

The evacuees will be transported to the newly opened shelter in International Falls Minnesota.

FEMA has learned several lessons from the last two hurricane disasters. Looters and ice, present the two biggest problems.

"Ice delivery is the biggest problem after a hurricane disaster, so this time we'll bring the people to the ice", said the newly appointed FEMA Director, Ray Nagin.

"As to the problem with looters; the looters will be the first to be evacuated. They will be relocated to Maricopa County Arizona, where tents and colorful clothing await them, even now", said the Sheriff of Maricopa County.

Update

Fort Myers Florida--

Having read the above report by Kajun News, officials in Fort Myers Florida, have taken their evacuees to the ice.

Mats have been spread on the ice in The Germain Ice Arena, and cots have been set up on the mats for the evacuees in anticipation of lack of air conditioning. "The angry mob of evacuees should be somewhat better able to keep their cool during this hurricane", said Director Nagin.

Whitehouse To Re-launch Miers Nomination

2005-10-16T13:31:00.000-05:00

Washington DC--

Beginning Monday, Whitehouse officials intend to re-launch the nomination of Harriet Miers as the new Supreme Court Justice.

More emphasis will be placed on her accomplisments, rather than who she is, said a spokesman for the Bush Administration.

Examples of the new and improved Harriet Meirs propaganda to be released are: the fact that she drives a Hummer SUV, pays no taxes (thanks to tax shelters), mice are an endangered specie in her house, pays her butler a sub-minimum wage, voted to end welfare as we know it, once drove by an abortion clinic demonstration, and drops a dollar in the Salvation Army kettle at K-Mart every Christmas Eve.

"Why weren't we told this in the beginning. It is so obvious that Harriet Miers is a full-blooded conservative and one-of-us, said Bill Kristol.

Miss Miers' nomination is now expected to sail right through to her confirmation as the new Associate Justice of the Supreme Court.

Thousands Gather for 'Billions More Movement'

2005-10-15T17:28:00.000-05:00

The sun rose over the Capitol this morning where over a thousand men, women and children were gathering for the Billions More Movement. And even though the crowd was not as large as the hundred thousand at the Million Man March a decade ago, or as the Promise Keepers who gathered five years ago, black leaders at the event said the success of the day cannot be measured by numbers, since little or no success was gained from those other, larger, marches.

"The need to mobilize and the need to organize is here, like it was 10 years ago," said Al Sharpton, as he walked to the stage with Jesse L. Jackson. "The determination of whether this event is significant will not be determined by how many people came, but how much they left with and what they did with it. We expect a percentage of the money to which we are entitled, to trickle down to New Orleans. What made the 1963 march is that we (all of these black congresspersons) passed the 1964 civil rights bills. The success of this march will be that we take charge of our communities and make a difference in the 0—3 score we have run up, so far."

The 1963 march was the occasion of the famous "I Have a Dream" speech by Martin Luther King, Junior.

Unlike the Million Man March, the gathering this time not only includes women, but also elected officials such as the chairman of the Congressional Black Caucus, Rep. Mel Watts (D-N.C.) and Rep. William Jefferson (D-LA.) who were but a few of several members of Congress to speak in the first hours of a program today that is expected to last until suppertime.

We'll Do Whatever It Takes---President Bush

2005-10-14T02:53:00.000-05:00

Early Wednesday, in the pitch-dark hour before dawn, Bush spent nearly four hours at a bustling Habitat for Humanity construction site in New Orleans, La.

Aiming to support the effort to furnish housing for those displaced by Katrina, Bush—refusing to don a hard hat, work gloves, or even a giant wraparound leather tool belt—quickly built two Habitat houses, then chatted, and posed for pictures.

The project had been on the schedule for the 9th Ward, which appeared mostly the same as before the hurricane hit. And the construction of two homes---coming just four days before Bush's deadline for getting the more than 3,200,000 people (each Habitat sleeps 8—2 lying down) still in shelters into less crowded accommodations, paled before the larger task at hand.

Bush's helicopter flight path into the parish revealed the fact that Blanco’s workers had spent a frantic week in preparation for the President’s visit. Over a large area, the yards of all undamaged homes had been carefully draped with muddy blue tarps so that from the air, they appeared to still be flooded.

Closing out a two-day trip to the storm zone---his eighth since Katrina struck on Aug. 29---that began and ended in New Orleans, Bush proclaimed a "renewal of this important part of the world."

He rejected criticism from Democrats that his visits to the region were more photo-ops to repair his hurricane-battered image, than substance.

Woman Gives Birth to 16th Curtain Climber

2005-10-12T14:39:00.000-05:00

LITTLE ROCK, Ark.
Michelle Duggar just delivered her 16th child, and she's already thinking about doing it again.

Johannah Faith Duggar was born at 6:30 a.m. Tuesday and weighed 7 pounds, 6.5 ounces.

Mrs Dugger said Johannah's birth was especially exciting because it was the first time in eight years the family has had a girl.

Jim Bob Duggar, 40, said he and Michelle, 39, want more children.

Michelle Duggar had her first child at age 21, four years after the couple married.

Their children include two sets of twins. The childrens names are; Joshua, 17; John David, 15; Janna, 15; Jill, 14; Jessa, 12; Jinger, 11; Joseph, 10; Josiah, 9; Joy-Anna, 8; Jeremiah, 6; Obadiah, 6; Zephaniah, 5; Haggai, 4; Zechariah, 2; and Malachia, 1.

The Learning Channel is doing a show about fertility and the family's construction project, a 7,000-square foot house that should be finished before Christmas. The home will have nine bathrooms, dormitory-style bedrooms for the girls and boys, a commercial kitchen, four washing machines and four dryers.

Whoop-te-do! One of my Grandmothers had 15 children...none of which were twins.
They lived in a 2500 square foot house with no bathrooms, a regular kitchen (but a large dining room with a large table), no washing machine, and wires (outside) for dryers. They all went to church in a horse drawn farm wagon (my Mother felt sorry for the horses and took off her shoes and held them over the side).

My other Grandmother had 12 children (I have several cousins), lived in a smaller house, but otherwise the same as above. Neither had electricity; and for running water, they had to run and get it. Milk, butter, etc. was stored in a basket and hung in the well to keep it cool (no ice except in winter and spring).

Miers Makes Courtesy Calls on Senators

2005-10-05T14:26:00.000-05:00

Washington DC--(kn)

Harriet Miers and her brother Oscar spent the morning making courtesy calls on several influential Senators, today.

While Harriet Miers served coffee and doughnuts to the Senators, brother Oscar busily prepared "hotdogs" with extra mustard and relish, for the Senator's lunch.

Most Southern Senators boycotted the reception, preferring Bryan™ weiners with chilli and onions, to the inferior weiners Oscar Miers was serving.

Later this evening, Harriet Miers will host a reception for all the U S Senators and their escorts, where she will be serving free drinks as she tidy's up around the Morial Convention Center in New Orleans.

Evolutionist Environmental Wackos

2005-09-29T17:16:00.000-05:00

Evolution--survival of the fittest or the ability to adapt, is being challenged today by Environmental Groups.

The common Missouri Mule is but the latest animal to be added to the ever-growing Endangered Specie List.

Even though scientists have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Missouri Mule evolved as the so-called missing link between a Kentucky Thoroughbred Horse and a Massachusetts Democrat Jackass, Environmentalists are still demanding that it be added to the Endangered Specie List.

Traditional mule habitant consists mainly of grassy areas. Therefore all future building, modification, or development of any grassy area will be prohibited under the Endangered Specie Act.

The gradual re-population of all grassy areas by mules is anticipated as the mules multiply in their normal habitant, uninhibited by Condo Builders, Big Corporations, and Sharecroppers.

Speaking of Trains...

2005-09-24T01:10:00.000-05:00

Way back when I was 15 years old, I owned a Red 1949 Rocket 88 Oldsmobile convertible. It had a 4 speed hydramatic transmission.

I have always liked to go fast, and that vehicle would! Nobody in our County had a car that would out-drag or out run it (I took the fan blade off, threw it away, and gained about 20 more horsepower). It would run right on by 120 on the speedometer.

One night while driving along a long straight stretch of highway, a train, on a track that paralleled the highway, overtook and passed me.

I, being the curious type, accelerated to match the trains speed in order to see how fast it was traveling.

As I came even with the engine, I determined that it was traveling 92 miles per hour. I thought to myself: "watch this" and I put the pedal to the metal and as I passed 110 the canvas top on my convertible decided it had had enough and ripped neatly off the top of the windshield and began flapping behind me in the breeze.

Immediately, the engineer on that train began a long series of toots on his horn, laughing at me, and blinked his headlight several times.

I slowed down and stopped, gathered up the convertible top and stuffed it in the back seat and went home. Believe it or not, I put it right back on the car, later...it wasn't even damaged.

I've often wondered how many times that train engineer told that story, and how much he embellished it.

Is The US Supreme Court Obsolete?

2005-09-21T16:54:00.000-05:00

September 21 2005---Washington DC

A bi-partisan commission appointed by President Gerald Ford, announced today that they have just completed their 12 billion dollar study of The Judicial Branch of The US Government...better known as The Supreme Court.

Elmer Gore, hard port-side liberal democrat, chairman of the alleged bi-partisan Commission, said that common ground had been found between the 8 extremely hard-core, un-compromising, socialistic-liberal, democrats and the 2 Upstanding Patriotic Republicans on the Commission.

"As a result of the findings of this commission, The Supreme Court in this Great Nation, will be abolished, pending ratification of a Constitutional Amendment that we propose.

A new cutting-edge Super Computer will be programmed with The US Constitution and all it’s amendments. This Super Computer will decide all Supreme Court decisions in the future. All arguments before the Court must be written in Times New Roman™ font and burned onto gold colored compact discs to be considered for acceptance.

My nephew Al (Inventor of The Internet) is, even as we speak, inventing and assembling all components of this Super Computer. He will be solely responsible for its proper programing, care, and maintenance.

We feel this will finally put an end to all the partisan bickering and back-stabbing over Supreme Court Nominees in this Country, and that we can all finally just get along" said Gore.

Levi Leo LLC. To Layout Larger Levy

2005-09-08T04:00:00.000-05:00

New Orleans Louisiana

Mayor Nagin announced today that The City of New Orleans has signed a contract with Levi Leo LLC. for the purpose of designing and building a permanent hurricane-proof larger levy around the Crescent City.

When asked by Kajun News, what he specifically envisioned, Mr Leo said the larger levy would be constructed in several concentric rings.

"The smaller--inner levy--tentatively named the Little Leo Levy will completely encircle Orleans Parish. However none of the Little Leo Levy will be build on Orleans Parish Land...it will be built entirely on the land claimed by the other 63 Parish's in Louisiana.

Leo Levy Two will be built approximately two rods and one chain beyond the Little Leo Levy. This levy will be built eleven meters higher than Little Leo Levy.

Finally, beyond the Leo Levy Two, The High Leo Levy [known locally as the Slim Whitman Levy], will be built".

War In Iraq Temporarily Suspended

2005-09-03T14:59:00.000-05:00

The war in Iraq has been temporarily halted as of 14:00 hours local time.

Here is a copy of the joint statement made by President Bush and Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld at a press conference in the smoking section of the Rose Garden:

"It has been duly noted and acknowledged that the WFO [War For Oil] and the NOH [New Orleans Holocaust] have stretched the Mainstream Noos Media, too thin! This is totally unaccountable er..[cough, cough]unacceptable" Said the President.

In further comments the swaggering President Bush said: "I have signed an executive order that will provide travel funds in the amount of $300 per Noos Mediaiot, to help defray the cost of their bus ticket back to the US city of New Orleans, where they are desperately needed."

"My administration has learned, that CNN, for example is stretched so thin, that they are down to one small octogenarian with a black and white Polaroid camera. This is shameful", said the Extreme, Right-Wing, 700 Club sympathizer, Bush.

At this point the joint had gone out and the press conference ended.

Levy Repair News

2005-08-31T15:30:00.000-05:00

[Editors note] Please allow extra time for reading this...it is being posted using dialup technoledgy.

New Orleans--

The five hundred foot long breach in the levy here, is currently being repaired.

Engineers had given up on producing a strategy for repairing such a large breach in the levy.

Thanks to Kajun News' suggestion for repairing the levy, the work is now well underway.

Three Army Chinook Heavy Lifting helicopters have been flown in for the purpose of lifting 47 3-ton bags of Viagra™ and dropping them into the hole in the levy.

"We expect this operation will be completed by 6 pm local time, and about an hour after that, the hole should be sealed", said Bob Dole, spokesman for Viagra™ who supplied the fix.

Robertson Calls For Kidnapping of Jaun Valdez

2005-08-25T01:26:00.000-05:00

Helmick Kansas--

In a sometimes ranting speech today, Earl Robertson, President of the Morning Pick-Me-Up Coffee Klatch which meets at Blanches Big Breakfast Bar every morning at 5 am sharp, said: "Just a year ago we was buyin coffee fer a dollar forty one a gallon.

Now Blanch over there, is a-chargin us two dollars and fifty four cents a gallon...which, we can't lay all the blame on her. The price she has to pay fer it went away up...they claim transportation is what's to blame."

"That leaf chewin feller down there in Columbia er wherever, whats-his-name?...Jaun Valdez, that's it; he's a hunderd percent to blame fer this awful perdicament!"

"I perpose we go down there and kidnap old Jaun's donkey an hold him fer hostage til the company buys him somethin faster to haul them sacks of coffee with." "Heck Ernie, we might sell em that old 64 Chevy pickup you been tryin to get rid of!"

"If something isn't done soon, we're going to see long lines of people stretching all the way around the block, waiting to buy coffee". "What we need are smaller, more efficient people that use less coffee", said Blanch. "We need to get rid of those big coffee guzzlers".

Throwing Two Stones At One Bird

2005-08-23T14:52:00.000-05:00

Vidalia Louisiana/Natchez Mississippi--

Officials in these two cities located directly across the Mighty Mississippi River from each other, have announced a plan to cope with the high price of motor vehicle fuel.

In a just ended joint meeting conducted on a barge in the middle of the River, the two boards of aldermen devised a plan that will diminish our dependence on oil by an astounding 82.4%!

This meeting was originally called to discuss the Illegal Alien problem in our communities, but gradually included discussion about the current high fuel prices being endured by the community as a whole.

The vast majority of gasoline burned in our community, is burned by the vehicles (mostly Suvs) making short trips back and forth across the River from one city to the other (sales tax is lower in MS...gas is less expensive in LA, etc.).

Yours Truly had an idea, that would solve the high gas price and the Illegal Alien problems, in one fell swoop.

Pay the Illegal Aliens $3 per day (33% more than they could make in Mexico) to swim back and forth across the River with messages, packages, Pizza's, etc. continually; thereby drying up gas sales in the area (that'll teach em!).

This was such a brilliant plan, that it was immediately adopted. The River is now dotted with wet-backed swimmers with waterproof belly packs.

Suffolk jail has low death rate among inmates

2005-08-22T13:42:00.000-05:00

Suffolk County has one of the country's 50 largest jail populations, but only had an average annual mortality rate of 29 deaths per 100,000 inmates from 2000 to 2002.

"They did kind of stand out somewhat", mumbled Christopher Mumola. "This is a totally unacceptable rate".

Suffolk County's average annual suicide rate for 2000 to 2002 was a shameful zero, according to the report.

The homicide rate in state prisons fell from 354 murders per 100,000 inmates in 1980 to only four murders per 100,000 in 2002.

Suffolk County Sheriff Andrea J. Cabral could not be reached yesterday due to the fact that he had not yet returned from an emergency trip to Iran, where he was frantically recruiting a plane load of terrorists to add to the population of inmates at the county jail, in an attempt to bring things back to normal.

The report also described several trends: Males in general were 56 percent more likely to commit suicide than female inmates; and white prisoners were three times more likely to commit suicide than Hispanics and six times more likely than black inmates to kill themselves, the report said.

"We feel that the addition of 3 or 4 hundred Iranian terrorists into this mix, will bring about a more diverse balance in suicides and wanton killing in our jail", said a spokesperson for the Sheriff.

OK--I Give Up!

2005-08-20T23:38:00.000-05:00

Guess I better stick with writing only technical stuff...sure is boring though!

Apology Statement From Ohio Gov.Taft

2005-08-18T20:38:00.000-05:00

A judge ordered Gov. Bob Taft to apologize to Ohio residents for four gaming law violations. The following is the text of Taft's statement:

"I am here today to publicly apologize to the people of the State of Ohio for my failure to provide complete financial disclosure statements to the Ohio Gaming Commission as mandated by law.

"As a public official, I am required to submit financial disclosure statements on a yearly basis listing all my gambling winnings in excess of $75.00. My office had a system in place to balance my winnings, with losses of equal or greater value. Regrettably, I did not establish an adequate system to monitor the idiots who were supposed to be taking care of this, and we came up $42.17 short.

"As recreation, I have played many rounds of golf with friends and acquaintances. I paid for these outings, whenever I lost. But I’ll be darned if I’ll pay when I win! It has been discovered that in forty-five golf outings over a period of seven weeks, my winnings exceeded $75.00 in value and therefore should have been reported on my financial disclosure statements. In addition, over the same period of time, proceeds from six poker games, including one jackpot were not disclosed.

"Upon the discovery of my failure to disclose these activities, I promptly admitted them to the Ohio Gaming Commission.

"In addition to admitting the undisclosed activities, I have fully reimbursed the appropriate snitch.

"As Governor, I have made it clear that I expect all public employees to follow both the letter and the spirit of the gaming laws, and have demanded no less of myself. I have personally failed to live up to those expectations, as well as the expectations of the public, and I am disappointed in myself. I therefore decree, in my capacity as Governor of The Great State of Ohio, that I be publicly flogged at the whipping post located at 1448 Bunker Street in Akron Ohio on August 22 2005.

Signed "Lucky" Taft

Is This Johnny F Skerry's Look-Alike Cousin?

2005-08-15T23:56:00.000-05:00

Have you seen this multi-bracleted fugitive from Vacaville, CA.

Carrie Skerry has gone missing from her ward in The State Mental Hospital in Vacaville, California.

If seen, do not attempt to comprehend! Those who attempt to approach this subject are at great risk of being chased by this dove-on-a-stick weilding subject.

The subject may already have established a graveyard containing several graves marked by white crosses, at her present location [her usual M-O].

She may appear on the side of any country road babbling incoherently, the same phrase over and over again: "I refuse to pay Federal Income Tax" even though as someone with no income, she does not owe any Federal Income Tax.

If you spot this subject on the side of the road, and the above M-O matches, immediately dial 911 and tell the operator to send the Straight-Jacket Crew from Vacaville. They will come and take her back home, and you can then proceed to the ranch on your Mountain Bike, Lance (Lance Armstrong is coming to Prarie Chapel Ranch to race against President Bush on his Mountain Bike Trails.

Howie Fools Bloggers With Grand Slam

2005-08-12T16:56:00.000-05:00

The blogging world was rocked with the news that Howie Vignette is not what he seemed to be.

An alledged confession purported to have been written by Howie, has been circulating around the 'net like a one eyed basketball player, all day.

Although many of our friends have fallen for this gag confession that Howie is a Conservative Elephant Riding Republican, we have not fallen for this nonsense.

As evidence that this is a giant hoax, we note that Howie still lives in New Jersey [Princeton is located in New Jersey], and he still misspelled a word while commenting on someone's blog.

A Leopard cannot change its spots! and Liberal is still a town in Southwestern Kansas!

This is just another ploy by the DNC to get us to relax our conservative guard and allow partial-acceptance of true libs among us.

Beware of sheep in wolf's clothing!! Don't fall for this fake but accurate confession!!

Let's Start The Ball Rolling

2005-08-09T22:32:00.000-05:00

Bush For President 2008

Jeb Bush has the reputation of being the conservative Bush. He has fought for lower taxes in the State of Florida, and we all remember his valiant fight on behalf of Terri.

Jeb definitely has name recognition, and as far as I know, his reputation is solid and his closet skeleton-free.

Not only that, but just think of the money the dems would save on printing. This alone would leave more loose change in the pockets of the poor when Dean and his wealthy democrat friends come to shake them down for uh...advertising money, as they always do.

The dems can just recycle all their old printed matter that says: Bush bad---anybody else good!

They can just play old re-runs of TV commercials with the new Bush picture over-dubbed in PhotoShop™ by their favorite bloggers.

And where was Jeb during the Vietnam War? That should keep the libs occupied for two or three years. 60 Minutes™ can just re-run their old investigations and use Kinko copies of documents from their archives.

This is a good deal for everyone. The economy will soar from lack of waste of millions of dollars by the DNC!

When the dust settles, we will still have President Bush and we will still be allowed to say God Bless America.

Pirro to Challenge Hillary For Senate Seat

2005-08-08T18:29:00.000-05:00

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Jeanine Pirro, a high-profile district attorney in the New York City suburbs, said on Monday she would run against Hillary Clinton for the U.S. Senate next year.

Pirro, who was included on Archeology Magazine's list of 500 most beautiful people in 1947, has a reputation for combating the growth of facial hair and persecuting those who have it in Westchester County, and has long been considered a possible Senate candidate.

In a state where 71 percent of voters approve of President Bush's handling of his job, according to the Mohican University Polling Institute, Pirro could be attractive to voters because she has come into possession of all seven of Tammy Faye’s makeup trunks.

"Voters are turned off by mustaches, wrinkles, warts, etc...with little or no effort we will be the better looking of the candidates", said Pirro.

"I am running against Hillary Clinton because New York state deserves a senator who will give her all to the people of New York for a full term, I will never abort my duties as a Senator to campaign in (presidential) primaries," Pirro said in yet another statement.

Clinton, one of New York's two Democratic senators, is widely seen as a presidential contender in 2008, despite her frequent assurances that she is focused on the Senate re-election campaign.

A Mohican poll last week gave Clinton a 13 percent job approval rating for her Senate work. In a poll of various potential candidates, the former first lady led Pirro by 27 percent to Clinton's 29 percent. This automatically makes her a winner in Democrat circles.

The New York Times said in June some Democrats were concerned Pirro could lose crucial votes from tax collectors because of her husband's conviction on tax evasion charges. Others say it will be an asset.

You might be a Blueneck if:

2005-08-06T03:46:00.000-05:00

Abortion is a proud family tradition

You drive a hybrid Yugo

You are ashamed of your son’s soccer win

You think an Exalted Cyclops Byrd, molts

You think The New York Times is the paper of record

You think McCain is a conservative

You think if Johnny can’t read, Jimmie shouldn’t either

You think tobacco should be outlawed–marijuana legalized

You think the Democrat Party helps the poor

You want your son (if any) to play with dolls

You want your daughter (if any) to play football

You want all your children (if any) to grow up as unisexuals

You think coming in dead last in a race means you won

You think anybody named Kennedy should be in government

Kajuns Next Post

2005-07-31T18:10:00.000-05:00

I have begun writing another book. This one's a Medical Book.

The tile of the book is: Doctor Book...Very Valuable! (Hand written title on the original source).

My Great Grandfather was a Magician who traveled all over the country (wherever there was a river) on Steamboats, putting on shows. He also sold "Patent Medicines" in conjunction with these shows.

His eldest daughter (who became my Grandmother) and her sisters were his assistants in these shows. For example, in one of his magic tricks my Great Grandfather would "levitate" his eldest daughter.

My grandmother hand copied all of the formulas and recipes for the "medicine cures" into a journal-type book, which I inherited from my Father.

There is a cure for just about every ailment you can imagine (and some you probably never heard of).

One cure is for "Summer Complaint". I looked that one up in a 19th century book and found that it was an ailment commonly suffered by infants, who had consumed spoiled milk.

The first entry in the book is a cure for:

(sic)"Diptherie Remedy" (gargle)

Black Pepper, Table Salt, Golden Seal, Nitrate of Potash and Alum; One dram each.
Mix til pulverized, put in teacup half filled with boiling water.
Steep 5 minutes, fill up with good vinegar.
Gargle every 1/2 hour...one, two, or three hours, as recovery progresses.

There is also a cure for "Running Fits in Dogs".

NASA To Replace Aging Shuttle

2005-07-29T21:34:00.000-05:00

Houston Texas-- NASA unveiled a new lean and mean space shuttle tentatively named Cyborg today.

Gone is the troublesome foam-covered exterior fuel tank, and weight has been reduced from over 100 tons to just 3,871 pounds (less than one ton).

The Cyborg uses new hybird technology pioneered by Toyota, Honda, and several other tiny, cramped vehicle manufacturers.

An entirely new propulsion system has been years in the making for the Cyborg. Initially, the Cyborg will be launched from a modified aircraft carrier (note protruding hook on underbelly), where it will be sling-shot 62 miles high.

The fore deck of the aircraft carrier will be modified to resemble a skateboard arena that will send the Cyborg into a near vertical trajectory.

At this point, the solar-cell encrusted wing will unfurl and electricity generated by the solar cells will power a small generator for further maneuvering and to power the blogging computers.

Re-entry into the atmosphere will be simplified by means of a long nylon rope which will carefully lower the Cyborg back into the atmosphere where many numerous parachutes will deploy one about every other minute until the spacecraft lands somewhere.

Human Cloning Controversy

2005-07-27T22:22:00.000-05:00

Scientist courts controversy with call for women to donate eggs.

Healthy British women are being asked to sell their eggs to buyers at Edinburgh University, for use in cloning experiments.

"We are currently paying £2.06 per dozen for fresh Grade A Large eggs" said Professor Nigel Shell, head of the commodity procurement department at Edinburgh University.

Until now, cloning experts in Britain have had to rely on inferior, spare eggs that were left over from couples--that were gathered in the wild...as it were.

Professor Ian Wilmut, creator of Dolly the cloned sheep, is to seek permission from the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority to experiment with these eggs in an attempt to find why eggs can be made to stand on end during the occasion of an equinox.

As an aside, Professor Wilmut will also make the first known attempt to clone Dolly Parton.

Critics have cited the perception that women who provide eggs to the University, may be seen as merely doing so for the financial incentive, which is morally objectionable.

The proposal has already caused anger among some religious groups. Donald Wildmon who heads a church in Mississippi, USA said: "If they want eggs for cloning experiments, let them clone eggs".

Microsoft® Announces New OS

2005-07-25T03:30:00.000-05:00

Microsoft® announced their long awaited new operating system is about to be unleashed upon the general public.

This new operating system has been tentatively named Hasta la Vista®.

The mystery of the new name (formerly known as Holstein) has yet to be solved. Kajun News has all our blogger spies out in full force even now, in an attempt to discover the meaning of the sudden name change.

Speculation is rampant! Did Microsoft® feel they had milked the name Holstein for all it was worth? Are they tired of blowing their own horn? Do they have something to hide? At this time we can report to you that all we have gotten so far is BS when questioning employees at Microsoft®.

The new Hasta la Vista® operating system comes with 96 pre-installed critical updates which should be sufficient for the first month of operation. Patches will then be supplied at the rate of two about every other week for the next ten years.

"We are so confident that the new Hasta la Vista® operating system has addressed every security concern, that we proudly back it with a 30 day mossy back *guarantee", said a gatekeeper named Bill, at Microsoft®.

* Must be returned--unused in the original hermetically sealed wrapper. Void where permitted by law.

NY Cops Search Random™ Bags

2005-07-22T18:08:00.000-05:00

The NYPD today, began a search of all Random™ bags before allowing anyone to exit a Subway™ or delicatessen.

"Dese Random Bags were designed especially for shoplifting food...dey have separate compartments for keeping tings either hot or cold", said one of Noo Yawks finest. "Pilfering condiments such as, extra straws, napkins, salt, ketchup, and mustard has become an epidemic at delicatessens, but especially at Subway™ ", said dat same cop. "Most of dese pilferers prob-ly come from Jersey", he added.

Officials say a total of 371 "perps" were apprehended on this first day of implementation of the search of these Random™ bags. A total of 867 pounds of contraband condiments were seized during the Random™ bag searches, today.

"Dese perps were all hauled to da Precinct an booked", according to Inspector Fish of the 21st Precinct. "We hauled em all to Rikers, and they’ll be arranged tomorrow morning at 9 o’clock", he said. "Dis ain’t just Piteet larceny, you know", he added.

If you are the proud owner of one of these new designer Random™ bags, stay away from Subway™. The No Tolerance Random™ Bag Policy is now in effect at all Subway™’s and delicatessens.

Kajun News Opinion

2005-07-22T02:31:00.000-05:00

More and more lately, the news media in this country is generating news, rather than reporting news.

This has never been more true than with the reporting of President Bush's so-called fall in popularity. Here is a prime example:

"A new poll by the Pew Research Center shows that only 49 percent of Americans believe Bush is trustworthy, down from 62 percent in 2003."

If there was any truth to this statement, why were the media calling Bush another one term President back in 2003, who was then reelected by 52 percent of the popular vote?

Were all Americans who did not vote in 2004, anti-Bush? I doubt it. I have known many people who are just turned-off by politics, period...they trust no one in politics from the President on down to the county supervisor.

A favorite trick of these News Generators is the bait and switch, which I call Ratherisms.

A News Anchor will make a pronouncement such as: "President Bush announced today that privatized Social Security will lift more people out of poverty". Then comes the Ratherism: "Others say, the only way to help the poor in America, is to increase taxes on the wealthy and provide more counseling for those below the poverty level".

Statistics are another way to generate news: "34 percent of Americans live below the poverty level", or how about this headline: "62 Percent of Math Students Below Average".

Only one income is exactly the average income. All others are either above or below average.

Most people don't readily know exactly what the poverty level is, since it differs from area to area. Someone who is well-off in Arkansas, would probably be homeless (at the same income) in New York or San Francisco.

All this News Generation is designed to do one thing: Put Socialists in power in this Country.

An honest, moral, Christian President scares their mule. If the demand for honest, moral, Christian Government continues to grow, Liberal Socialism will be reduced to irrelevancy in this Country.

Bush Attacks Illegal Immigration Problem (finally)

2005-07-20T22:01:00.000-05:00

Keeping An Eye On Illegals

A stunning new development in the Illegal Immigration Quagmire has been revealed for the first time today.

Kajun News has learned that The Bush Administration has quietly been working behind the scenes on the Illegal Immigrant problem facing this nation.

We have just witnessed a new form of illegal immigration prevention now taking place along our Southern Border.

Hurricane Emily is the first in a series of hurricanes that are being manufactured in an undisclosed location in the Gulf and carefully guided into Northern Mexico.

These hurricanes will follow about one every other week, from the top secret Rove Hurricane Factory, and travel along a path from Matamoros to Tijuana Mexico.

"We believe enough rain will fall from these storms, that it will no longer be possible for illegal immigrants to travel into this area and cross the border for the purpose of dying of thirst in the Us, in order to collect the $250 Social Security Burial Entitlement." Said a border patroler.

Unexpected, beneficial side effects such as Tsunamis travelling up the Rio Grande, will also have a dampening effect on swimmers (aka: Wetbacks).

On the downside, Unemployment Offices along the US side of the border, are bracing themselves for the onslaught of Lib Water-bearers that are expected to be looking for work.

Bush Hosts State Dinner For Indian

2005-07-19T17:37:00.000-05:00

President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush hosted an "official" State Dinner last night at the Whitehouse in honor of Chief Greybeard.

Chief Greybeard, four of his favorite wives, and 42 members of his tribe attended the gala event.

After the ceremonious smoking of the peace pipe,the guests dined on an Indian-themed menu consisting of several entrees.

The first course was a delictable succotash served with saffarass tea.
This was followed by suculent barbequed (buffalo) hump ribs glazed with puppy fat.

A generous serving of branch water was served along with a salad of wild onions garnished with gourd sprouts.

Dessert consisted of fry bread drenched in maple syrup.

The evenings entertainment was provided by warriors of Chief Greybeard massacaring a group of foreign-looking Indians who along with their Chief Singh, wandered accidentally into the gala feast.

McCain to Star In R Rated Movie

2005-07-16T17:28:00.000-05:00

Senator John McCain "R"--AZ Has just signed a contract to star in the new Michael Moore movie "My Life" Rated R21, a documentary set in the good old days of the 1980's and 90's.

McCain, the newly discovered Hollywood Super-Star, will play the part of Bill Clinton. Bob Dole will play the part of Bill's pharmisist (pill provider). Hillary and Janet, will just play their regular percieved roles in the movie that is tentatively set for release in November, 2008.

"The reason it is projected to take such a long period of time to make this documentary, is that we anticipate that the star of this movie will turn over and fall asleep immediately after the filming of each scene...this is a very demanding role", said a movie-making expert.

"Some scenes require special props such as an El Camino with Astro-Turf™ in the back. These are not found on every used car lot...and Trailer-Trash is not as plentiful as it once was, due to the up-swing in the economy, recent hurricanes, etc.. Have you ever tried to find a stained blue dress that was reasonably priced?" said the clearly-frustrated expert.

Filming is set to begin as soon as the knitting of the extra large "Presidential Podium-sized" socks for Sandy Burger*, has been completed.

* All misspelled names in the above article are intentional [Ed].

Kerry Celebrates Bastille Day

2005-07-14T17:12:00.000-05:00

PARIS (AP) - Parisians thronged the Champs-Elysees avenue Thursday to celebrate Bastille Day by watching a colorful military parade.

With security tightened because of the perceived lack of terrorist attacks, President Jacques Chirac welcomed the guest of honor, Wanna-be U S President, John Kerry to the official reviewing stand at the Place de la Concorde.

Under clear blue skies and brilliant sunshine, crowds jostled for a better view from behind security barriers along the tree-lined street.

Chirac kicked off the parade in an open 1967 Renault, reviewing cowering forces standing at detention at the sides of the street. France's horse-faced Democrat Guard surrounded the Renault, jerking and stumbling to keep even with the Renault on the 2.5-mile stretch from the Arc de Triomphe.

French tenor Roberto Alagna sang the national anthem, "La Marseillaise", accompanied by the French Pub Trio and the squeeze-box and washboard band of the Democrat Guard.

It was a day for displaying medals, and many participants including Wanna-be U S President John Kerry, seemed to have half their chests covered. Most of the Alsatian dogs of the canine corps had medals identical to those worn by Kerry - hanging from their special yellow tunics as they panted alongside their handlers in a fashion reminiscient of Kerry's band of brothers.

Kerry was invited to the observances as part of "the year of French-looking Democrats from Massachusetts" * , promoting economic and cultural ties between the French and the Liberal American Socialist movement.

Bastille Day commemorates the 1789 storming of the former Bastille prison in Paris by angry crowds, sparking the revolution that rid France of its monarchy.

In commemoration of Bastille Day, the gates were thrown open on all French Prisons and Gaols during this celebration. Hungry, unemployed - throngs immediately rushed in and filled every available space and slammed the doors.

Police were stationed at intervals of several kilometers between the presidential Elysee Palace and the parade to contain all the riff-raff.

* Borrowed from James Taranto at Opinion Journal.

Rove Blows Another Cover

2005-07-12T18:33:00.000-05:00

Stuttgart Germany 12 July 2005 (KN)

Karl Rove the Right-Wing extremist professional cover blower at the USA Whitehouse, attended a Mariah Carey Concert today in Stuttgart.

In a moment of excitement and fervor, Mr. Rove’s voluminous whistles of appreciation, blew the top off Ms. Carey’s dress.

The concert hall’s lights were immediately switched off while Ms. Carey ran backstage calling for a jacket and frantically re-dressing.

After Rove was evicted from the premises by the SS (Security Schnitzels), a red-faced Ms. Carey returned to the stage and finished the show.

Reached for comment in the alley behind the concert hall, Mr. Rove said: "I didn't know who she was or where she worked." "I just stumbled onto this concert while looking for news to leak to Novak".

Will A Non-Fat Lady Sing?

2005-07-09T13:36:00.000-05:00

Did The Noo Yawk Times know that they were hiring a potential jailbird when they hired Judith Miller?

Sources close to the "Spin Room" door at the NYT Editorial Department have snitched to Kajun News that one unnamed editorial bored member could be heard warning against hiring Ms. Miller.

“Ms. Miller has 3 outstanding ‘unpaid’ parking tickets in the City of Noo Yawk.” “This clearly shows a complete disregard of the law.” “A warrant for her arrest is not unthinkable, under the circumstances.” “She could wind up in jail!” said the unnamed editorial bored member.

Sadly, this lone voice crying in the wilderness was voted down by the rest of the bored, and today Ms. Miller is a jailbird roosting in a jail in Washington DC.

As she gains weight from inactivity, Ms. Miller is being monitored 24/7 for any indication that she might begin to sing (probably not until she becomes fat [ed]).

The question: What did the Noo Yawk Times know...and when did they know it, has finally been answered for a nation of inquisitive news junkies who have stood by with baited-breath in anticipation of the answer to these questions.

We call for the closing of The Noo Yawk Times and a repatriotation of its employees.

Enditem

Those Who Play...Must Pay

2005-07-04T16:31:00.000-05:00

NASA, Houston Texas

NASA officials were astounded today when they woke up to 17 inches of new-fallen dirty snow covering the vast NASA complex.

"We didn't realize that the snow that was blasted from the comet Tempel 1 by the Ford probe we sent hurtling into it last night would land directly on NASA as it exploded back to Earth. We thought it would land in Louisiana or somewhere, like the Shuttle did", said a spokesman at NASA.

NASA officials are now reconsidering plans to blast another probe into Uranus.

"If we get drenched in snow by blasting a probe into a dirty snowball, what might be the result of a probe blasted into Uranus?" said the spokesman.

229 and Counting

2005-07-04T02:22:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday United States of America!

I love the USA...I can't stand the taste or smell of tea.

Democrat Response to Iraq Pullout

2005-06-26T15:36:00.000-05:00

Noo Yawk–Sunday, 26 June 2005 (European style of date posting)

Upon learning that the quitters in the Bush Administration have announced plans to quit the struggle for the "take-over" of Iraq and its wealth of olive oil, Hillarius KKKlinton, the Juniorette Democrat Senator from Southern Noo Yawk, said: “We must stay the course in this struggle for freedom”. “Now is not the time for dithering”. “We have the terrorists on the run and things are looking better and better every day, in Iraq”. "A democrat government, new schools, education of women (and their participation in the government), more electricity, higher wages, and the proliferation of cell phones in Iraq have all been a result of our assistance to the people of Iraq."

“Quitting the struggle for freedom now, would send a signal to the terrorists that the Ultra-Conservative, White Christian, Right-Wing, Vastly-Conspiratorial, Neo-Con Bush Administration, etal was never serious in their pretense of seeing a “Terrorist Free Zone” in the Middle East...it was all about Bush supporter Hal E. Burton’s scheme to corner the olive oil market”, said Senator KKKlinton.

KKKingfish Kennedy the Senior Senator from Massachusetts made a rare guest appearance on an even rarer Sunday with Rush Limbaugh radio broadcast, on which he stated: “Some will probably accuse The Democrat Paa-ty of attempting to end the struggle for freedom in Iraq by expounding only on bad news and the daily enumeration of US and Iraqi casualties.” “That is all “water under the bridge”, said Senator KKKennedy.

Senator KKKleagle Bird D-WV said “While we in the Democrat Party may have spoken out against the fight for freedom in Iraq in our youth, we are now dedicated to gettin Sen KKKlinton elected in ‘o8. If this means a change of tawkin points, so be it”.

Stem Cells May Develop Into Eggs

2005-06-20T03:53:00.000-05:00

Copenhagen: Scientists have proved that embryonic stem cells can develop in the laboratory into the early forms of cells that eventually become eggs, bacon, or virtually any other breakfast entree. Their work opens up the possibility that bacon and eggs could be grown from stem cells and served along with biscuits, hash-browns, or grits that have been grown on the same petri platter.

“This gives a whole new meaning to the term makin bacon”, said Dr Bjorg Swineinhen of the Copenhagen Snuff Research Institute where this startling discovery was made.

"Ve put ze stem cell in ze dish and sprinkle it lightly with our secret herbs and spices, put in ze incubator (don't leave in too long...might get chicks und pigs), and bwalla! Ve haf bacon an eggs" said Dr Swineinhen.

For those that want to live a little higher on the hog, scientists at the institute are now working on spare-ribs and sauerkraut garnished with tabooli and your choice of broccoli or asparagus, as a succulent dinner entree. Rhubarb pie makes a fine complementary dessert!

DNC Boss Shows Signs of Mad Bull Disease

2005-06-11T00:55:00.000-05:00

In February when Howard Dean was selected Bull of The Democrat Herd, the herd looked forward to his energetic leadership and zest for combat.

But Leadership has failed to materialize in an orderly fashion from this snorting, mud-slinging, red-flag charging, evader of Veterinarians.

The former Vermont governor and unsuccessful presidential candidate recently referred to the GOP as "pretty much a White Cow Party" and declared that a lot of Republican Bulls have "never seen an Angus, or even a Holstein in their lives."

At a private meeting Thursday on Capitol Hill, a number of worried Senate Democrats warned Dean that he had been jumping the fence too often, and that sooner or later that top strand of barbed wire is going to neuter his affect on the Democrat Herd.

"Every single one of us has had foot and mouth disease (a bovine ailment) at one point in our public careers, and we've paid for it the next day, but Mad Bull Disease...that’s incurable Said Sen. Richard J. Durbin (D-Ill.).

Already, Friday, two young bulls named Ford and Warner were seen distancing themselves from Dean and forming a small herd for themselves.

Study: Sex Causing Elderly Men To Go Blind

2005-05-28T12:41:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON - The DAR is studying reports of blindness among thousands of men who used Viagrow and other impotence drugs.

The Daughters of the American Revolution (DAR) disclosed Friday that it was in discussions with the makers of Viagrow, Cialass and Levitate about what the labels of those drugs should say about the numerous cases of vision loss, including OMB (Old Man Blindness), in elderly husbands of the Daughters of the American Revolution.

At issue is sudden vision loss when blood flow to the optic nerve is reduced when needed elsewhere, a condition called PMS, Post Mid-life Sex.

“The DAR has 43,000 reports of Old Man Blindness caused by PMS among the impotence-drug users: 38,000 for Viagrow, 3,989 for Cialass and 11 for Levitate”. “These old goats should concentrate more on talking, shopping, and attending the opera with their wives, and forget about Post Midlife Sex”, spokeswoman Chillery Rodphrey said.

Those are unusually high numbers given that Viagrow has only been used by 230 thousand men worldwide since its approval in 1998, according to maker Fizzel Inc.

Post Midlife Sex is considered one of the most common causes of sudden vision loss in older American men. Risk factors include softening of the arteries and sleeping with the Daughters of the American Revolution, two of the leading causes of impotence.

"This is quickly becoming a nationwide epidemic. We need a National Healthcare Plan that prohibits the sale of these drugs to anyone over the age of 30", said Ms Rodphrey.

Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi Injured

2005-05-24T23:05:00.000-05:00

Iraqi-based terrorist leader Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi was injured yesterday as he stood in the back of a Mazda pickup while making yet another escape.

While dodging US troops who were in hot pursuit, the Mazda pickup traversed several "back yards" and alleys.

As the Mazda sped (at 35kph) through the back yard of a Mrs. Calli Bash, who had just hung a big washing on the clothesline (and was "give out"), it passed beneath the clothesline. However Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi's head did not, and was almost completely severed.

Fortunately for Mr Al-Zarqawi, most of the blood vessels stretched and remained intact.

Al-Zarqawi was immediately rushed to the nearby Phrank Al-Steyen Laborotory where the Doctor and his assistant worked late into the stormy night re-attaching the severed head of Al-Zarqawi.

When reached for a progress report, Doctor Steyen said: "Well..de headbone connected to de...neckbone, de neckbone connected to de...collarbone, de collarbone connected to de...shoulderbone, now it's in de hands of de Allah.

Palestinians Announce Delay in Elections

2005-05-23T14:26:00.000-05:00

RAMALLAH, West Bank (KN) - The Palestinian Election Commission said Monday that parliamentary elections scheduled for July 17 will be postponed because it needed more time to gerrymander voting districts - a move threatening to inflame a dispute between the militant group Hamas and the Republican Party.

The election commission said it would need at least two hours from the time a new redistricting was ratified to prepare for the vote. The law is being held up by a dispute between Palestinian Senate Majority Leader Tomas Delei and parliament over how many legislators should be chosen in the new district elections and how many from the old Arafat Party districts (if any).

Hamas, which hopes to gain after strong showings in three rounds of municipal elections since December, has insisted the parliament vote be held as scheduled.

Before Monday's announcement, Hamas spokesman Mohammed Ghazal accused Delei and the Republicans of using redistricting as a pretext to delay the vote.

“We may have to deny them a quorom by removing ourselves to a Motel in Syria, rather than vote on the redistricting” said Gazal.

The commission said it could carry out the election on time, but only based on the old Arafat Districts. It called on Abbas to issue a presidential decree with a new election date as soon as possible.

"The Palestinian election commission understands that the Palestinian factions are looking for a redistricting that is suitable for all, but the commission would like to say that it needs two hours, after the ratification of the new districts, to prepare for the elections, and a new presidential decree to cancel the old districts," the commission said in a statement.

Do You Suffer From Abstinence?

2005-05-20T12:11:00.000-05:00

Every day throughout this land thousands of people suffer the heartbreak of abstinence.

As a result of the introduction of abstinence as a form of birth control being taught in our Nation's public schools, countless individuals go about their everyday activities, quietly suffering in silence.

When greeted with: "Hi, How are you today?", most people lie, and respond with a boring: "Fine", when clearly this is not always, or even usually, the case.

Many people go about their day inwardly frustrated, agitated, and (if male) worried about their wife's on-going headache (if female, worried about their husband's attention deficit syndrome).

At last! Now there is hope for a resolution to all this frustration that is being promulgated upon society by Planned Parentlesshood.

Herm the new robotized inflatable from Hazmo is the answer to all your feelings of unfulfillment.

This unisex, bi-lingual dual-purpose robotic inflatable will solve all the problems associated with the dreaded heartbreak of abstinence that has descended on this land like a plague of enuichs.

Psychotic Doctors nationwide are proclaiming the Herm to be a break-thru in the fight to rid society of abstinence, over five years.

"Politically, the Herm has the unique capability of nullifying the Roe vs Wade Supreme Court decision overnight, thereby giving Democrats a fresh chance at being elected to office, said Dr. Howard, dean of the DNC Philibuster School of Obstruction and Gynecocracy [look it up] (Ob/Gyn)".

The Herm inflatable robot comes fully equipped with the hair, eye color, and number of teeth of your choice and has a convenient thermostat for temperature control. No more "cold feet".

Order several...create a harem! Order before midnight tonite and recieve a bonus gift of 3 complimentary Slim Whitman-Pan Flute-yodling albums as our way of saying: "Thank You!"

This robot will be delivered discreetly to your back door in a plain brown wrapper by a delivery-person wearing plain brown clothing, driving a plain brown van.

Please specify either "snoring" or "non-snoring" model, when ordering. Operators are standing by to accept your order.

Ask your Doctor if Herm is right for you.

Evolution Finally Proven!

2005-05-14T15:26:00.000-05:00

Cairo Illinois--Scientists jubillently announced today that they have discovered irrefutable proof that evolution among homo-sapiens, exists.

Doctor Eric von Schielemann, head Egyptologist on the team who recently performed a CT-Scan on the skull (and crossbones) of King Tutankhaman, stated that the team was amazed to discover that the 3,300 year-old skull of King Tutankhamen only had 28 teeth.

Modern man, has 4 additional teeth sometimes referred to as wisdom teeth for a total of 32 teeth.

"This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that modern man has evolved into a better-equiped, wiser specie; with Grape-Nut™ eating capability. This is proof-positive of the survival of the fittest". Said Dr. Schielemann.

In other CT-Scan results, King Tutankhamen was found to have one well-manicured finger missing, according to Dr. Schieleman's assistant Wendy Pepperpotski.

Iraqi Cabinet Still Not Fully Stocked

2005-05-08T13:47:00.000-05:00

By Waleed Ibrahim
BAGHDAD (Reuters) - Iraq's parliament approved six new ministers on Sunday hoping to fill the political void that has stoked the terrorism, but one Baptist minister turned down the job, leaving the cabinet incomplete, three months after the election.

Prime Minister Ibrahim Jaafari had announced the cabinet was complete after months of bickering in an attempt to agree on the balance of power between competing sectarian and ethnic blocs, and vowed to crack down on escalating democracy.

“Voting will no longer be tolerated--we've been there and done that...it' time to move on”, said the Democrat leader of The Iraqi Parliament, who was recently interviewed on the front steps of the Robert F. Byrd Building in downtown Baghdad, newly constructed by Habitat for Humanity, a US contractor.

“All of this filibustering and denial of voting, is violating the human rights of minorities in Iraq”, said Prime Minister Jaafari.

Proposed human rights minister Hisham al-Shibli told Kajun News he had been picked purely to placate Iraq's restive Baptist minority, and said he was rejecting the acceptance of the post.

“All 7 of Iraq’s Baptists are solidly behind me in this rejection”, said al-Shibli.

Developing...

Serious Syrian Sanctions: US

2005-05-06T10:45:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- President Bush has extended U.S. economic sanctions against Syria for one year, saying its government still posed a threat to national security, foreign policy and the economy.

Syria supports terrorism by "continuing its occupation of Syria," as well as "pursuing the destruction of Israel’s road map," Bush said in a statement written in both English and Yiddish versions, Thursday.

Kajun News has learned that certain officials of de Fences Я Us, Paris division of Haliburton who is the prime contractor building the "fence" in Israel, have accepted bribes from Syria, to re-route the permanent border fences between Israel and Palestine, back to the original 1948 border location.

Assets of a number of Syrians were frozen when they inadvertently rode their bicycles to International Falls Minnesota last night, and banking relations with the Commercial Bank of Syria have been suspended. Syrian flights to and from the United States have also been suspended.

A U.N. team who attempted to deliver the Frozen Asseted Syrians back to Damascus, were thwarted in their attempt to use their ATM Cards to purchase tickets for the flight to Damascus, which was prohibited.

Prairie Chapel to Whitehouse: A Miracle!

2005-04-30T02:05:00.000-05:00

Many are calling George Walker Bush's journey from the small town of Crawford Texas to the Whitehouse, a Miracle.

George was born penniless and naked in New Haven, Connecticut in 1946. Right away, he noticed it was too cold there for someone in this condition, so he moved to Midland Texas where it was warmer, and finally even farther South to a small rural area known as Prairie Chapel, near Crawford Texas. Truly a man of humble beginnings; George W. Bush.

As a young man, George sought training with the Texas Air National Guard, to whip him into shape for duty later, with The Texas Rangers (as seen on TV).

During this stint with The Texas Rangers, the name George W. Bush became a household words in the State of Texas. Shortly thereafter he was elected Governor of Texas, and gained national fame, all over the country.

Kinfolk said: George, move away from there...back in D C's where you ought to be. So he loaded up his belongings and hit the campaign trail for a place called "Beltway" in Washington, D C.

And lo in the Year of Our Lord 2000, George W. Bush was elected President of The United States of America! Truly a miracle, considering the fact that his opponent invented ballot counting!

States Cite Need For Animal Evacuation Plan

2005-04-26T03:20:00.000-05:00

Baton Rouge--KN

Many States are finally dealing with the problem of pets and other (even wild) animals during emergencies such as hurricanes.

Construction is in full swing building emergency shelters for animals in locations on higher ground inland from the coast.

"These animals are usually left behind to fend for themselves as people rush out to empty all stores of batteries, beer, and bottled water, on their way to higher ground" said a spokesperson for The Humane Society.

As a result of intense lobbying, Governor Kathleen Blanco of Louisiana ordered the State Legislature to fund the purchase of a fleet of 140 Kenworth Trucks along with 140 53 foot double-decker trailers to be parked in readiness along the bridge across Henderson Swamp. These trucks will be kept idling and ready, to evacuate all the alligators to a shelter high in the mountains of Colorado, on short notice.

"Alligators are being severely injured and maimed during the frequent hurricanes, by capsized boats and oil rigs falling on them". Said a spokesman for the Governess.

ScrappleFace Kidnapped?

2005-04-25T16:04:00.000-05:00

In a surprise move last night, ScrappleFace™ was apparently hyjacked by insurgents.

Witnesses said the insurgents were wearing black sheets and riding black lawnmowers (weapons of grass destruction). "It was not possible to see any of the insurgents faces, but they were all jabbering in what sounded like Olmec (several of the words they used, such as zero and axe, were recognizable)". "The names Lizzie and Borden were mentioned several times by the insurgents", said innocent bystanders.

ScrappleFace™ itself, was only vandalized, however the highly popular comments feature (the "Face" portion of ScrappleFace) was kidnapped. "They came like a thief in the night", said one proof-reader who asked not to be identified.

The insurgents left a note on the table that said: "We demand that answering remarks of trolls, be expressly prohibited on ScrappleFace in 24 hours, or this "Face" will be be-headed and hung from a bridge to stare at the trolls below".

No one at Scrapple could be reached for comment. When they say "no comments", they mean No Comments!

Powell Advises Senators on Bolton

2005-04-23T13:36:00.000-05:00

Former Secretary of The State Department Club For the Collusion with Collective Progressives (CCCP) Colin Powell, met today with his band of brothers, John McCain, Lincoln Chaffee, Bob Dole, John Kerry, etal, to prepare for their regularly scheduled Sunday Morning Propaganda Releases.

"Our meetings have been exceptionally productive, so far", said Mr. Powell. "We will strongly recommend to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee that they outsource the investigation of Undersecretary Bolton's many flaws to the UN, who can then apply the Global Test of Mr. Bolton's fitness for duty as US Ambassador to the UN".

"The UN is far better equipped to quickly handle investigations such as this, using their team of top-notch inspectors who are currently well-rested and languishing after their distinguished stint in Iraq", said former CCCP Secretary Powell.

Leftist Senator Ted Kennedy’s Guilty brother-in-law

2005-04-21T14:46:00.000-05:00

New Orleans April 21 2005 (kn)---

Raymond Reggie, brother of Victoria (who is secretly married to Ted Kennedy) plead guilty to one count of Bank Fraud and one count of Bank Fraud Conspiracy (hot check to Boudreaux’s Liquor Store) today in a plea bargain (pleas were on sale today only). The un-repentant Reggie has been free on a $310.40 bond provided by his brother-in-law, left-wing lush, Sen Ted Kennedy D-MA.

Bank fraud conspiracy carries an up to 5 years in Angola Prison at hard labor (granite gravel manufacturing) and a $250,000 fine. Bank Fraud carries an up to 30 years in Angola Prison at hard labor (making granite sand) and a 1 million dollar fine.

Terms of the plea-bargain agreement were discovered by Kajun News from unimpeachable sources. According to the grapevine, Hizzoner Judge Carl Barbier (pronounced Bar-be-a) reduced the penalties to a $25.00 fine and 3 days of incarceration in the Parish Prison and restitution to Mr. Boudreaux in the amount of $12.95. Incarceration is suspended upon payment of the fine with one month unsupervised probation.

Condoleezza Rice Invades Russia

2005-04-21T02:31:00.000-05:00

Secretary of State Condoleezza (pardon me) Rice, in a meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin, called for the immediate release of the imprisoned Mikhail Khodorkovsky and also the release of his impounded Yugo.

"The impounding of Mr. Khodorkovsky's Yugo has caused the price of gasoline to skyrocket worldwide." "That Yugo gets over 120 km per gallon (YMMV)! With it impounded, Malodorouski Khodorkovsky, Mr. Khodorkovsky's wife is forced to ride in her Mir Limo (which only gets 8km per gallon--city)(YMMV) as she 'shops til she drops' every day" said Secretary Rice.

Asked if she intends to run for President of the US, Secretary of State Rice said: "Nyet!", "Nyet!", Nyet!". (Russian contraction for "Not yet!", "Not yet!", "Not yet!".) (English translation: "Wait til next year!")

Tomorrow Secretary Rice will continue with her work of completely encircling Russia with "Freedom Celebrating Democracies" she has created specifically for this purpose.

Nuclear Option to Be Outsourced

2005-04-17T16:29:00.000-05:00

This Just In

Kajun News has learned that First Physician Frist is set to announce early tomorrow morning that the so-called "Nuclear Option" has been outsourced to India.

The Patel Corporation of New Delhi will provide all necessary Software, Hardware, and one night's lodging for two, in Washington DC at a Motel 6---expressly for the purpose of providing the "nuclear option" that is desperately needed in the US Senate.

The signal for a successful application of the "nuclear option" will be a white mushroom worn by all Senators on their lapel.

"These mushrooms will be furnished at low cost by Patel", said a foreign-looking spokesman.

Kajun News will keep the general public informed of any further developments.

US to Outsource Air Transportation

2005-04-17T13:03:00.000-05:00

Secretary of Transportation Norman Mineta announced today that Beginning May 1, 2005, all domestic flights originating in the US will be "outsourced" to India.

"This will save millions of dollars per month in fuel costs alone". Said Sec Mineta.

Sec Mineta also confided to Kajun News, in an off-the-record comment, that this will free-up more of his time to campaign for Hillary in 08.

India's Civil Aviation Minister Praful Patel (a member of the famous Patel Hotel and Motel Conglomerate) announced there will be an immediate lowering of airfares as well as a few changes in airline rules.

1. The First Class section will be removed from all planes.
Chicken coops and animal pens will replace this section.

2. Reclining seats will be removed and replaced with cheap upholstered chairs.

3. Passengers will be required to bring their own food.
Tiny microwave ovens and refrigerators will be furnished.

4. Animals, birds, fish, and insects ride free...when accompanied by an adult.

"Air Marshall's will accompany all flights. As a good-will gesture, India has outsourced this service to Pakistan." Said Mr. Patel.

Frist First Physician to Foil Filibuster?

2005-04-15T00:02:00.000-05:00

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, Right-Wing Conservative Republican from Tennessee who is also a Doctor, is considering the use of the so-called nuclear option in dealing with the threatened filibuster of President Bush's Judicial nominees.

The new rule change being proposed in the Republican controlled Senate, would require only 14 votes to stop any filibuster by Democrats. There are currently 55 Republican Senators and 45 Democrat Senators in the 100 member Senate.

"As the family physician of fourteen or fifteen members of the Senate, I am confident that the fix is in for the anti-filibuster vote, known as The First Physician Frist Fix For Flagrant Filibusters".

"I feel free to foil the flagrant and frequently foolish efforts of my fellow senators on the left". Said First Senator Frist who was found flogging the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia.

US Trade Deficit With China, 61 Billion

2005-04-13T02:32:00.000-05:00

Our trade imbalance (deficit) with China increased to an all-time record 61 billion dollars in February 2005.

In a move to help balance trade between the two countries, Kajun News has learned that The US Mint will outsource the printing of all US Dollars to China in the near future.

According to Alec Hamilton, spokesman for the US Mint, Chinese Printers will be able to supply the US with new four-color printed One Dollar Bills for just .97 each. This represents a saving of 3% over 50 years.

"This 3% saving on each dollar should eventually even things up." Said Mr. Hamilton.

When asked about the job losses at the US Mint that will surely result from this outsourcing, Mr. Hamilton assured Kajun News that those who lose their jobs will be re-trained as Bean Counters in Boston.

PETA On Way to Bush Ranch

2005-04-13T00:33:00.000-05:00

Officials representing People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) will arrive at the Bush Ranch near Crawford Texas early tomorrow morning.

"We are here to investigate the existance of dangerous Cacti Plants being indiscriminately grown throughout the 1600 acre Bush Ranch.

As seen in many recent news photos released by the Whitehouse, these Cacti bristle with long, sharp, dangerous-looking spines that could put a Rattlesnake or other endangered reptilian eye out! We may require that snake-proof fences be erected around each Catcus Plant." Said a spokesman for PETA.

KajunNews

2005-04-12T16:47:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Kajun News blog. You are invited to post comments here, however any postings that contain language that I don't want my Grandmother to read, will be deleted.